Let my soul dance

I have joined a new football team, and I’m trying to increase my fitness. I’m really struggling with painful heels, shins, feet, and general soreness and aches in my legs.  The heels in particular are affecting me, to the point where I’ve felt like a cripple in the day after I’ve played a game or participated in training. The diagnosis is that it’s heel spurs or plantar fasciitis and the podiatrist has given me orthotics for my running shoes and told me to stretch my calves three times a day.

No matter how much I stretch (well ok, to be honest, I haven’t been stretching that much) the problem hasn’t lessened. From a mind-body connection point of view, I’m convinced it’s my Fear that has been holding me back. It came up in my journal writing recently in relation to this. So I thought that after I had realised where it was coming from, the pain might go away on it’s on accord. Not so lucky. (‘Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know’.)

I went to the gym this afternoon and while on the treadmill I know I was receiving nudges from the angels or guides. I started seeing the triple numbers again (and 11:11 and 59:59 etc).

My shins were hurting me terribly and I was feeling really despondent and frustrated and started to feel really angry. Even after only a minute of running (and only slow at 7k/hr!), my shins were hurting.  I felt like crying, and actually tears were spilling out, but I had to compose myself because someone else was using the gym also.  I was feeling angry and was yelling in my mind ‘Fuck You’ to whatever it is that is causing all this pain for me and holding me back from getting myself fit and enjoying sports.

I struggled through while my shins hurt but gave up after jogging for 5 minutes and moved to the exercise bike so that I could still exercise without it hurting my shins. I started out by cycling at a steady 22k/hr trying not to go too slow but without anything too strenuous.

The song Human by The Killers came on in my headphones.  I love the song and always feel moved by it. I was still feeling emotional, and I really immersed myself in the music and closed my eyes.

The word ‘surrender’ caught my attention, and I knew it was talking to me, that I need to surrender… surrender to God maybe. By then I was listening to the lyrics and I felt that every sentence was telling me something.

I did my best to notice, when the call came down the line [God is calling me]

up to the platform of surrender [Its time to surrender]

I was brought but I was kind

and sometimes I get nervous [this word resonated with me, cos yes I am nervous about taking a leap]

when I see an open door [yes, I felt lately I’m at an open door which I need to build the courage to walk through]

close your eyes [my eyes were literally closed when I heard this]

clear your heart [yes, I need to clear and open my heart]

 cut the cord [yes, I need to cut the cord tying me to my safety blanket]

are we human [so relevant, as I feel the signs are from the spirits / angels and I’m in human form]

or are we dancer [I feel ‘dancer’ represents my soul being able to dance, instead of being stuck in a human way]

[Also human or dancer makes me think of just going through the motions of life, versus actually living and experiencing life fully and feeling a connection to the soul]

my sign is vital [I am vital.  The signs from my guides are vital.]

my hands are cold

and I’m on my knees, looking for the answer [yes, I’ve been looking for answers.  On my knees – surrendering]

At some stage when I opened my eyes I opened them to 11:11 and I knew that these lyrics really were messages for me.  I felt the emotional teary sensation I do when I sense something is talking to my heart.

I felt really connected to the universal spirit and knew the spirits were communicating with me.

I didn’t really listen to the rest of the lyrics, except hearing certain words.. grace and virtuesoul and romancedevotion

 you’ve got to let me go [let go of fear]

I don’t know what the meaning of the song is or what the songwriter had in mind when writing the lyrics however I just took it for what the words meant to me at the time.

I felt that God was asking me to surrender and clear my heart, and be a dancer instead of being sluggish and tied down.  Cut the cord and walk through the door.  Let go of the fear.

Oh and when I was feeling all emotional during the song, I was still feeling frustrated with my sore legs holding me back, and the energy of frustration made me want to speed up and cycle faster and I built the speed up to 27 k/hr which allowed a greater release of emotion.

I feel the experience was an encouragement from my guides. I know I’ve always resisted the gym and think I should exercise outside in a natural environment, however both times in the gym my angels have been helping me to feel inspired and connected.

photo: https://www.pexels.com/photo/silhouette-of-woman-raising-her-hands-615334/

Coca-Cola has something to teach me.

red hibiscus

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned in this blog previously about my addiction to Coca-Cola.  It may be extreme to call it an addiction, but I have considered it to be one as I have always felt that I have no control over my cravings for it.  I have always felt that I needed it. Even so, I know how detrimental it is to my health, and I completely detest what Coke represents (on both a global ethical way and from a personal health perspective).  I know how sickly it makes me feel, and it has contributed to all the health issues I have had for the last few years.  I hated being a coke-drinker and loathed feeling that I had no control over it.  Contributing to the feelings of discord within me was the fact that I wanted to drink it, I enjoyed Coca-Cola and how it tasted and the feelings it gave me, and so I didn’t want to give it up.

[I had to leave writing this post to do something else, and before I came back to it, I was looking on Facebook, and a reminder came up about a post I had shared a few years ago.  It was a quote:

Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know” – Pema Chodron

OMG, that’s amazing because I had typed ‘Coca-Cola has something to teach me’ as the first words when I sat down to write this post, the words just kind of came to me, I wrote them almost automatically without thinking that it would be the title.  So for that particular quote to come to me now I think is a sign from the Universe/my guides, and it reinforces to me that my struggle with Coca-Cola is here to teach me something about myself. ]

A couple of months ago I was writing in my journal about how frustrated I was with being so ineffectual and so scattered.  Particularly regarding my blog (as you can see I haven’t made any blog posts since declaring that I would do so each fortnight). I was expressing how shitty I was feeling, and frustrated with being so fat and uncomfortable, and the frustration of drinking Coca-Cola.

‘Why do I drink the fucking stuff?’ I scribbled. ‘It’s not me!’  I took it further and wrote down whatever came to me.  ‘Who the fuck do you think you are? Taking control over me? Who are you?

Further into it I realised these thoughts/feelings were coming from when I was a little kid (the youngest of four) and I felt I was a ‘scaredy cat’ and a ‘cry-baby’. I was scared and felt little and it seemed that my older siblings needed to take over to comfort me and to stop me crying and to look after me.  But I didn’t want to be taken over, so I had to pretend I wasn’t upset and try to prove I wasn’t a scaredy cat or a cry-baby.

‘I am NOT a cry baby! I will not cry.  And I am NOT scared.  I will show you I can be a big girl and not be scared (at least I won’t show you I’m scared I’ll just hide it away and push it down – oh Coke is good for that)

After getting to this point, there was a shift.

I started talking in my adult voice.

‘OK, so it’s time for me to take over my life and the direction I’m going in.

And it’s OK for me to be scared.

And it’s OK for me to be upset and cry.

I will listen to these feelings instead of pushing them away.  I am STRONG. Even strong people have fears and feel sadness and grief.  It’s ok to feel sad and lonely, and fearful.  But don’t let them boss you around.  Stand up for yourself Emily.  Coke will NOT make you feel better. 

I talked about how saying NO to Coca-Cola is saying YES to my inner soul.  To say ‘Yes’ to my soul, not to my fear.

What came out in that journal entry might seem really airy-fairy and insignificant; even for me I didn’t think it had a momentous meaning, however for some reason it really made a strong impact on me.  Also, I don’t even know if there’s any truth to the feelings that came through in the writing (I don’t actually have any memories to validate the thoughts that came through in the journal writing). However from that night on, I knew I didn’t want to drink Coke anymore.  I didn’t have to grapple with will power or tell myself I shouldn’t have it.  I just knew it wasn’t right for me and I wanted to put myself first.  That day on the 5th February was the last time I drank Coca-Cola.

Mostly I haven’t craved it since, and usually the knowing that I don’t want it anymore has been able to come out on top.  (saying yes to my soul, not to my fears).  Although there’s been a couple of times when the longing for Coke had been intense; I really wanted it, and although I still felt strong to not have it, the fact that I couldn’t made me feel so sad – to the extent that I felt like crying.  One of the times I was on my way to work so I had to push away the tears, but I wished I had the chance to get into the emotion and to really feel where the sadness was coming from.

Since not drinking Coke, I am really starting to understand that I had been using it not only to prop up my energy levels (as I had always thought), but also as a way of pushing away my emotions and to block the ability to feel my feelings.  I know now that I need to allow the feelings and emotions, to accept them, and allow them to be expressed.  Allow my body to feel them so it can release them.  Feelings of sadness, anger, frustration, shame, guilt, insecurity, intimidation, and betrayal.  (oh, those last two came out of no-where, but I have left them in anyway.)

After seeing the quote by Pema Chodron, I looked up her website and signed up for emails.  I received one in which she talks about when we pause and allow a gap and breathe deeply, we can experience instant refreshment.  And as I read it I realised that the word ‘refreshing’ was the one that I had used that morning to myself to explain how I felt Coke is to me.  I feel that coke is the only thing that feels refreshing to drink and I can’t find anything that will refresh my thirst.  Not only to drink, but to feel refreshed.  I just never feel refreshed.  And so it’s so relevant what Pema says about experiencing instant refreshment by allowing the gap and breathing – this is probably really what my body really is craving, not Coke.  To allow the space to connect to my body and to my inner soul.

(It also reminded me of how Coca-Cola has over the years used the word Refreshment in their marketing; probably another reason why I subconsciously reach for Coca-Cola when I want to feel refreshed.)

Now that I’ve been aware of all these things, I have been more and more mindful of how I’ve been using Coke as a way of ignoring my emotions and feelings.  I had been reaching for Coke when I felt angry, when I felt sad, when I felt tired, when I felt stressed, when I felt confused.  I didn’t know how to let myself feel these feelings.  I’ve been mindful now of how I feel when I don’t let myself drink it; I often feel really sad and almost fearful.  I want to explore these emotions more to find out what they are trying to tell me.  I’ve realised that my addiction to Coca-Cola has been a teaching aid for my soul.

All you need to do is love me

In my journal writing I often ask questions to my inner guidance. Sometimes it’s directed to my Guardian Angel, to God, to a passed loved one, to my soul, or even to my body. I find that the answers that come to me in my journal writing are usually very insightful and helpful and I usually feel comforted or empowered afterwards. One morning I was ‘talking’ with my body in my journal; asking questions and writing the answers. I felt prompted to write her a prayer:

Dear my beautiful body, I love you and appreciate all you do for me, and I love how you are healing constantly. I am sorry I don’t treat you well and I don’t show you I love you, however it’s because I’m scared and incompetent, not because I don’t love you.

I realised that I want to dedicate more time to listening to her.

Later that day, as I sat down to relax for a few minutes, with a can of Coke, I started to think about how I shouldn’t be drinking it, but at the same time was enjoying how it was so refreshing. And then I reminded myself about loving my body instead of giving myself a hard time. The thoughts that came next I sensed were coming from my body’s inner guidance:

All you need to do is love me, and I can do the rest. I know how to heal you. I just need you to love me and listen to me. Don’t use your mind to worry about not being healthy.

And I remembered about the time when I had read a newsletter by Anthony William (the Medical Medium) in which he had said about how your body is always wanting to heal you and loves you unconditionally. He said to be comforted just in this knowledge alone for those times when you feel you can’t eat the right foods for your health. When I read this, tears came to my eyes, which is a sign to me that it’s speaking to my heart.

Welcome to the Heal My Soul blog

heal my soul blog launching today
Heal My Soul blog launching today!

I am launching this blog today, making it public after a long time of keeping it private.  It’s a personal blog about my self-discovery.

Quite some time ago I started the practice of journal writing which I found to be tremendously helpful in both finding out about who-I-am, and also in being in touch with an inner guidance.  I have read many books on spirituality and divine guidance (I guess you can call them spiritually focussed self-help books).  During my journey I’ve been coming across ideas, methods, thoughts etc which have really helped me, and I wonder if they will help someone else out there too in the same way they have for me.  This thought was the beginning of making the decision to write the blog.

It has always meant to be a public blog; however I’ve never felt ready…. I have been incubating it for quite some time now.  I guess I always felt I had to have the About Me and About This Blog sections written so I could have the blog complete before making it public.  Also, I felt that I had to have some mode of consistency to my posts, (at this stage they are just random posts that I’ve managed to feel motivated to write, however there’s so many things I have wanted to write about and include in order to really get across my message).  But if I wait for that to happen, then it will never come to life.  So instead I am going to ‘just get it done’.

My lesson during the last couple of weeks has been learning to not give a fuck about what other people are thinking.  So why worry about whether the blog is any good, or if it makes any sense, if it’s well written, or if it’s logical?  Who cares?  I am just expressing myself and I am happy for this to be a work in progress.  (Besides, it probably won’t even be read by anyone!!)

As today is when I make this blog live, I consider it to be the birth date.  It was a few days ago that I made the ‘fuck it, I’m just going to launch it’ decision, and I thought that the 1st December would be a nice date to start as it’s the first of the month, and the first day of a new season (Summer for us in Australia).  I then looked at the numerology of 1/12/2017 and it’s a 5.  I was really excited about this, as I’ve always identified 5/blue with expression and creativity which is perfect for a blog where I’m learning to express myself in a new creative medium.  So I made the decision, the 1st of December it would be.

Though after a while the idea of waiting until Sunday 3rd December came to me, as I would have the weekend to spend time finalising bits and pieces.  I looked at the numerology and calculated 3/12/2017 to be 7/purple.  Wow I thought, this is relevant too, as for me purple/7 represents spirituality and looking within and soul-searching; which is all so relevant to the purpose of this blog!

Yet I was still attracted to the idea of blue/5, so I was in a quandary about which date to use.  (yes, I know, it seems silly the little things that I worry about…..).  However then throughout the night of 30th and the day of the 1st, whenever I thought about it, it would seem that my eyes just happened to be looking in the direction of purple things.  One time it was 3 or 4 purple things in a row that my eyes fell upon.  I took this as a sign and changed my decision to launch the blog on the 3rd December.

Thinking more about 5/blue, I realised that the numerology for both names Heal My Soul and Heal My Soul Blog calculate to 5, so it feels right to launch it on a birthdate of 7, so at the same time I have both the vibrations of 5/blue (expression and creativity) and 7/purple (spirituality and going within).

Taking note of these little synchronistic things, and of colours and numbers, probably seems really ridiculous to a lot of people, but somehow it just feels right to me to follow this trail.

Another coincidental aspect of my blog which makes me smile is the initials of both the blog and my name.  When I write about my blog in my journal, I tend to shorten it to HMS, which I know is the same anagram for the Royal Navy ships, ie Her Majesty’s Ship.  It also makes me think of OHMS (On Her Majesty’s Service).  The other thing is that the initials for Emily Rose (which is my pen name for my blog, btw, not my real name) are ER – which are the Queen’s initials.  (Queen Elizabeth is our royal Head of State in Australia).  I really like this aspect as I can liken it to me being the queen of my world, and the blog is like my ship, a creative vessel.   Whenever I start to worry about whether the name of the blog is the right one, I just think of HMS and ER and I then don’t feel a need to consider changing it anymore.  (yes, I know, once again I worry about the minutest detail…)

If you’re still reading this piece… consider reading the About Me page and through the existing posts to get a feel of what the blog is going to be like. Although the existing posts have been sporadic and without logical continuous flow, I’m now aiming to post every fortnight (we’ll see if I manage to do so; I’m a self-declared procrastinator – that’s why I have to set myself a plan to stick to otherwise they won’t get done).

If you like the sound of this blog, you can click on the link to have the posts emailed to you, or follow via my other social media accounts: instagram, twitter, facebook, pinterest.

A note about the photo:  So far on this blog and in my social media posts I have used  photos that I have taken, however I really wanted to have one with purple in it for this post so I searched for free photos that I could use.  This one is by Adrianna Calvo from Pexels https://www.pexels.com/photo/nature-sky-bird-animals-21261/


A job is worth doing badly rather than not done at all

I find my life is full of synchronicity. I believe it’s the universe that is guiding me and nudging me with messages and things to take note of.

My last post (15th October 2017) talked about the quote If a job’s worth doingit’s worth doing well.  I also have talked about it in my About this Blog post (which is still on its way.. yes, I am still going along very slowly with this blog..).

So it was interesting that when I caught up with my sister this week, she brought this idea up too.  She mentioned how our father told her, (when they were commiserating together about our family’s trait of procrastination), ‘Do a job badly rather than not do it at all’.   We’ve realised that our procrastination comes from an expectation that it needs to be perfect, however this saying is a reminder that it’s better to just do it even if it doesn’t turn out to be perfect.

This ‘theme’ has been with me for a while, and I think the universe is still reminding me of it!  I have found that themes (I’m not sure what else to call them) seem to be the way the universe/soul/angels/god communicate to me about what I need to learn in my life.

Getting it done

leaves on the ground - photo for blog post

I’m trying to finalise the two menu items ‘About Me’ and ‘About this Blog’ as I think that once I have these two pieces finished on the blog, I will be able to make it public, and then start writing regular posts.

When writing for the post ‘about this blog’, I googled the internet to find the actual quote about ‘if you’re going to do a job, you should do it well’ and in the process I found this quote:

“Do it badly; do it slowly; do it fearfully; do it any way you have to, but do it.”
― Steve Chandler, author of Reinventing Yourself: How to Become the Person You’ve Always Wanted to Be

Yes!  This is an affirmation to continue to write this blog, even though I am doing it in all three ways (badly, slowly, fearfully).

NB I also found the quote I was looking for: If a job’s worth doing, it’s worth doing well.  (refer the menu item About this blog, which is on it’s way)